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The definition of an extended family household is one that has two or more adult generations or a grandparent and one other generation living together.  According to a 2008 Pew Research study, 49 million Americans, 16.1% of the total U.S. population, are part of such a family.  This trend is growing.

In 1940, 25% of the population lived in extended family households.  This fell to 12% by 1980.   At the early part of the last century, 57% of adults over 65 lived with their adult children.  During the 1980s into the 1990s just 17% of those 65+ lived with their families.  This climbed to 20% in 2008 and continues to increase. 

Only 10% of the total population lives in a single person household.  In 1980 nearly 29% of those living alone were over 65.  More recently, this has dropped to just over 27%, even though there are more people over 65 than at any time before.

The wave of immigration that began in the late ‘70s, the ethnic makeup of the new multi-generational households reflects this phenomenon.  Hispanics 22%, Blacks 23%, Asians 25% and Whites 13%.  All segments have increased since the recession began.  Of total U.S. households, 34% consist of one generation, 47% are two generation (parent with child), 16% are multi-generational and 2% are living in group quarters.

Another Pew study (2005) indicates that 56% of the public believes it is the responsibility of adult children to take in elderly parents, but a strong minority (39%) disagree.  However, with economic uncertainty and an aging population, many families are forced to reconsider having grandmom and granddad move in.  Often the elder family members are able to help with some of the expenses as well as the childrearing duties.

Establishing a multi-generational family is not easy.  Is there enough room for one or two more people?  Will an add-on room or separate unit be needed?  How are finances and other responsibilities to be split up?  What about privacy issues?  And, most important, will the various personalities be able to get along?

Assuming all parties involved are willing to make an extended family household work, it can be a great experience for all.  The grand parents bring family history and years of personal experience to the table.  Mom and dad get some help and hopefully ask for advice.  And the grandkids get the opportunity to receive adult guidance from someone other than their parents while learning about the roles of different generations.  All-in-all, this is the kind of arrangement that can do much to re-establish family values in America.   

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This day has its roots in ancient Egypt, where the goddess Isis was hailed as the mother of the pharaohs.  This tradition moved on to Greece and Rome.  The holiday later surfaced in Europe and was celebrated as part of Lent honoring the “Mother Church.”

About 500 years ago, a church leader in England extended the celebration to honor real mothers.  The name adopted for this event, still held during the Lenten season, was “Mothering Day.”  Family feasts were the order of the day and Lenten restrictions were permitted to be put aside for the celebration.  Mothers, as the guest of honor, received cakes and gifts from children young and old on this special occasion.

While the earlier settlers brought the English tradition of Mothering Day with them, they were not inclined to celebrate secular holidays.  It was not until 1870 that what has evolved into the American version of Mother’s Day was proclaimed.  The person behind this was Julia Ward Howe.  She wrote “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” 12 years earlier and saw an opportunity to enlist mothers in a cause to end future wars and the deaths of mother’s sons. 

In 1873, fewer than 20 cities had established groups that celebrated the new Mother’s holiday every June 2^nd.  Howe paid for most of the festivities and support dwindled when she stopped paying the bills.  One West Virginia woman, Anna Reeves Jarvis, believed in the concept enough to bring together union and confederate families in an effort to mend the divide caused by the Civil War.  She called it “Mother’s Friendship Day.”

After her mother’s death, Anna M. Jarvis assumed the work to establish an official Mother’s Day in remembrance of her mother and in honor of peace.  On May 10, 1908, the first official Mather’s Day celebration took place at a church in Grafton, West Virginia and another in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  By the next year churches in 46 states as well as Canada and Mexico held Mother’s Day services.

Working endlessly to gain state support, Anna Jarvis was able to convince legislators to recognize Mother’s Day.  In 1912, West Virginia became the first state to do so.  In 1914,  Woodrow Wilson signed into law the national observance of the celebration making the second Sunday in May the official date for Mother’s Day.

Anna Jarvis  was against the commercialization of Mother’s Day.  In 1923 she sued to stop the event and was arrested in the 1930s for protesting the promotion of flowers in conjunction with the Mother’s Day movement.  Anna died poor, blind and childless in  1948, never knowing the Florist’s Exchange anonymously paid for her care until the end.  

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This national holiday has become a secular celebration of parades, football games, and overeating with the next day marking the official start of the Christmas shopping season, overshadowing its true roots.  However, most pre-boomers have seen and remember Norman Rockwell’s series of Thanksgiving paintings which appeared in “The Saturday Evening Post” during the war years of the 1940s.  The warm feelings we get when exposed to those magazine covers remains with us to this day.

The Thanksgivings of my childhood remain vivid in my mind.  As a young child it was the Gimbel’s Parade in downtown Philadelphia.  Later the football games took up the morning.  Then it was home from college for the long weekend.  And later it was the quick train rides from Manhattan to get there in time for the mid-afternoon dinner.  Then, many years past before the family got together again.  The kids had grown and the first grandchild had arrived before my parents finally moved to the West Coast, after years of prodding.  So they were able to enjoy the day each year with all of us and we with them before they passed on a few years back.  For this I am most grateful.

I have fond memories of Thanksgivings past and am fortunate to have family close by, so we can enjoy this day together each year.  In fact, recently the family took a cruise over the holiday: grandparents, adult children and their spouses as well as the grandkids.  It was different and lots of fun, but I missed the “home cooking.”

No matter were you are or who you’re with this Thanksgiving, try to recall those magical days gone by when you woke to the alluring aroma of the turkey roasting in the oven.  Be quiet and you can almost here your mom and maybe grandma and your aunts talking as they worked for hours to prepare this family feast.  And, even though you were shooed out of the kitchen, you managed to catch a glimpse of the vast array of food to be served and knew this day would be good. 

Of course, we ate leftovers for days to come: turkey platters, turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey ala king, turkey hash and turkey croquettes.  Nobody ate turkey burgers back then or we would have had them too.  Even though we grew tired of a week of turkey, everyone looked forward to having another feast at Christmas.  Thankfully this meal was at another family member’s home, so we were spared the endless days of leftovers.

This Thanksgiving it’s appropriate to reminisce about those who helped make this holiday a bounty of delicious food for us to enjoy year-after-year, and be thankful for all the other things they did to make our childhood days worth remembering.

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Those of us born between 1930 and 1945, once known as pre-boomers and now the core of the New Seniors movement, grew up learning and understanding this kind of philosophy.  It was laid out to us as the way to live life.  Our parents and other family members showed us how this worked.  School teachers, the clergy, scout masters and a host of personal role models taught us about the value of this kind of service.  Now it’s our turn to pass it on.

Boomers start turning 65 next year at the rate of one every ten seconds, and this will continue through 2030.  As they join the ranks of the New Seniors, about 4 million of them will turn 65 each year for the next 19 years, uncharted territory will be forged.  Because never having been 65 before opens up an entirely new experience for the boomer generation.  Where do they get the insight and advice to help make this transition as smooth as possible?  They’ll look to the people who have successfully moved on to this phase of life, those who are already New Seniors.

Don’t expect to see New Seniors lecturing to the recent batch joining them.  Rather current New Seniors will continue to do what they’ve been doing.  The newer folks can learn by watching what we do and pitching in when and where they can.  Sorta like on-the-job training when we were new to the workforce, although nothing formal.  All it takes is to connect with New Seniors and join them in being of service.

The whole idea is to make this country the best possible place we can for trailing generations, particularly our grand children and great grand children.  We’ve been through the trials and tribulations of life of the business years or soon will be.  So our efforts are not money oriented.  Instead we are trying to make a difference by improving the quality of life in small, sometimes hardly noticeable, increments.  This is not for us but for others: family, friends, neighbors and the well-being of the country.

For instance, the New Seniors’ presence is important in mentoring kids, helping people gain new job skills or volunteering to be of service to those in nursing homes and other facilities.  We have the know-how and the time to make a difference.  More of us are inspired to give back what was so freely given to us, so we are getting involved.

Are you satisfied with what’s going on?  Do you fear the American dream is being compromised?  Is helping someone besides yourself of interest to you?  If you’re not already stepping up to the challenges that we all face, there’s no better time to join other New Seniors to plant those shade trees for future generations.       

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We have all seen the heart-warming stories on television about the cab driver finding a brief case full of money in the back seat.  An unemployed individual picking up a wallet on the sidewalk containing thousands of dollars.  Or the bus boy discovering a bag of diamonds in a booth at the back of the restaurant.  In each case these people returned the items to their rightful owners.  Regardless of these feel-good incidents, the country is viewed as being less honest than it was earlier in our lifetime.

In spite of the belief that others may not be as honest as they were a few years back, 75% of survey participants claim to have returned a wallet they found.  And 84% say they have returned money when someone gave them more change than they were due.  Could the criticism of others be one of perception rather than reality?  

The survey indicated that only 7% of people of religious faith are considered less honest than the non-religious while 45% said they were about the same.  A seemingly unrelated finding came from the polling with 69% of respondents believing their follow Americans are more rude and less civilized than they once were. 

Pre-boomers, those of us born between 1930 and 1945, grew up being taught that honesty is the best policy.  We also learned the importance of good manners.  These concepts were drummed into our heads until, hopefully, they became part of our character.  Looking back, it’s realistic to say, the people of the Greatest Generation were good teachers and fine examples of these traits. 

Throughout the years, we imparted these concepts for living to our children as best we could.  Now as New Seniors, it is our responsibility to continue to demonstrate the need for honesty, politeness and overall civility in dealing with others.  This is especially true when it comes to our grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

The world is a busy place and made smaller by technological advances.  Things happen fast and news gets to us as it happens – unedited and with dramatic force.  Although we have a window to the world at our finger tips, there are few filters for taste and honest facts.  This makes the work we do with young people that much more important. 

Morals, kindness and traditional values need to be presented to today’s kids.  And, it’s vital that they understand the reasoning behind what we teach.  After all we just can’t turn over the world we helped build, for good or bad, and expect them to run with it any more than we would give the car keys to a teenager and expect them to start driving with out any lessons.

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My friend was a neighbor when we met.  We got to know each other by working on a community project together.  To discuss the work, we had lunch several times and soon discovered we had plenty more to talk about than the project at hand.  He had been the founder and manager of several businesses.  His experiences as a youth, then struggling through the Great Depression and serving in WWII before finally getting the opportunity to succeed in the recovery period in the late ‘40s and early ‘50s helped make him a man I admired – much like my father only in a different way.

His stories were enlightening and often funny.  But there was always something to learn from the memories he shared.  The way he sacrificed to pursue his dreams.  The manner in which business relationships were built and sustained.  And the things he wished he had done differently where all laid out on the table for discussion.  It was obvious that he was smart; but more important he was, and still is, honest.  This meant I could question decisions he made without fear of upsetting him or not getting a straight answer.

What a refreshing change of pace he is from the guarded, uptight ways of many modern business people.  Through our relationship, I learned how to enjoy retirement and seek out something meaningful to do with my God-given talents.  That’s what brought me to become an advocate for those 65+, start my blog and later found the online magazine, NewSeniors.com.  At the same time, I was able to help him through the decision process of moving to assisted living.  And, recently, we talked about him giving up driving.  He already stopped driving at night but fears this next step would substantially restrict his freedom.  So I related how my father did it.  This seemed to help.

Mentoring each other seems natural as we grow older.  There’s nothing to prove.  No control issues.  And no financial considerations.  Just open, one-on-one discussions about whatever is on our minds.  The results are wonderfully therapeutic and amazingly helpful.  So I suggest all New Seniors be open to this kind of relationship.  There are many people from the Greatest Generation who would welcome the opportunity to have us as friends.

There are people at your church or temple, senior centers, study groups, community organizations and anywhere people volunteer to help others.  Maybe the most significant help you can give is to be available for the folks from the generation that give us so much.  They won’t be with us forever, but the time you spend together will create memories that last forever.      

A basic human need to reconnect may have been what prompted my decision to head to the east coast to visit with old friends and some family members, many of whom had not been seen in years – 15, 30 and more, as a matter of fact.  The result was personally gratifying, I believe, for everyone involved.  Seeing how people evolved, handled the ups and downs of life, being able to laugh and cry about the past while sharing our hopes and dreams for the future caused me to wonder why it took so long to get back together.

Maybe we were never truly separated except by geography; because upon arrival, we were able to jump right into what seemed like the continuation of a conversation that had been on pause for an undetermined period of time.  And, I quickly realized that had we continued to miss opportunities to get together, we would miss the joy of the history we shared – one where all good things seemed even better.  A new honesty and exciting freshness develops when people focus on the lives of others, which after years apart takes on a different kind of importance, and allows us to return to the pleasantness of the past without dwelling there.

But all vacations must come to and end.  As the visits came to an end, we and promised to stay in touch in the months and years ahead.  I hope we do, because the good times and the good feeling are too important to let slip away and become hazy memories.  In fact, the joys of reconnecting have prompted me to reach out to others, who I have also neglected to seek out, and contact them.  The physical act of calling or emailing them has had a positive effect on me.

As a result of these efforts, I’ve received one phone call back and email from another.  So the renewed communications is already producing results.  I also mentioned the trip and my reconnection efforts to several close friends and family members.  They thought it was a good idea and plan to do the same.  I’m trust they experience similar results.

Wouldn’t it be great if each of us just contacted with one person from the past each week and opened the lines of communications once more.  It only takes a couple of minutes, and the payoff for both of you is priceless.  You might even be as lucky as I was; because me cousin, who now lives in Virginia Beach, just sent me the recipe for the best tasting crab cakes, ever.  I know, since she made them when I was on my recent trip back east.      

The announcement that Al and Tipper Gore’s 40 year marriage is ending not only caught many people by surprise, it let us know that divorce is happening within all age groups.  Watching that passionate kiss Al laid on Tipper at the Democratic presidential convention in 2000, while it lasted longer than most of us were comfortable with, seemed to say they where a couple in love and would be together for the rest of their lives.  It was sad to learn their relationship was over, but in this day and age so many of the things we once believed to be true and fast are eroding and slipping away.

Those born between 1930 and 1945 were the first US generation to catch the divorce bug.  Relaxed social beliefs, the women’s movement and the advent of the “pill” changed the relationships between the sexes while making it easier to have sex without the side effects of an unwanted pregnancy.  We were free to experiment, and we did.  However, we where still the marrying kind, and we did that as well.  Boomers took this to the next level and were and more likely to live together without being married.  The Gore’s are cutting-edge boomers, both born in 1948, and will be New Seniors in a couple of years; therefore, both older generations can identify with them.

Before the late ‘80s, divorce among older Americans was rare.  But the divorce rate among those 65+ has more than doubled in recent years.  It would be fitting to blame this phenomenon on Viagra, but that’s only a contributing factor.  People live longer, and as time passes their needs and wants change.  Years of living with the same person can take its toll on a relationship if the couple has not grown together and refreshed the association over time.  Quite simply, living separate lives leads to growing apart.

Some of the reasons for New Seniors breaking up are: alcohol, drug, emotional and physical abuse (mostly women), meeting someone else (usually men), desire for freedom, identity and fulfillment (both men and women).  Others simply seem to fall out of love, having lost interest in the other person and not willing to do much to rekindle the fire that once burned so passionately.

There are no guarantees in life, although we can try to take the necessary actions to keep our relationships alive and well by remembering why we chose our spouse in the first place.  What we liked about them.  How they made us laugh.  The way they comforted us when we were sad.  And, most important, the good times shared together.  There’s still plenty of that good stuff ahead as long as we allow it to happen.  

Through the Second World War and for a while after it ended, my family had a number of adults living under the same roof.  My grand parents and an aunt were there.  She later married, and her new husband joined us for a couple of years until there were able to get a home of their own.  My grandparents remained and were still living with my folks when I went away to college.  This did not seem unusual to me, since I had other pre-boomers friends with similar living arrangements.

In fact, I rather liked having these adults around.  There was always a man around the house and each of them taught me something different than the others.  I don’t mean conflicting lessons; I’m talking about learning a variety of things.  My dad did what dad’s do; he taught me the basics and tried to be as involved in my life as I would let him.  My grandfather grew up on a farm; so he took me fishing, hunting, horseback riding and other outdoorsy things.  And my aunt’s husband was an engineer who showed me how to solve math problems as well as to enjoy classical music.  I was a lucky guy. 

With families going their individual ways and living across town, across the state, or across the nation; it’s a bit more difficult to keep people together or to accommodate a move back home.  Add to this the fact that two income families are the rule rather than the exception, and the multi-generational family does not seem realistic. 

Today, grandparents, who can no longer take care of their homes, end up in senior living facilities.  It happened with my parents, but at least they were able to move from the east coast to Los Angeles when they decided to get rid of their home.  What sold them on coming out here was being able to see the grandchildren and the great grandchildren, all living in the LA area, whom they had spent time with in recent years.  While we were not under the same roof, we saw my parents regularly for the last several years of their lives.  It was wonderful.

I know this made my parents’ lives happier and believe it extended their time on earth.  The generations interacting together proved beneficial for everyone.  As we pre-boomers grow older, it’s important to spend more time with family.  We need to make our children aware of this and work out a way to make it happen.  Not to be a burden for anyone, but to bring joy to us all.